I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize