Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
