i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
