Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
