just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?