She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
