Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
