im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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