I can't watch pbs sober anymore
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
