Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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