you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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