god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
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