If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
