WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
