No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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