I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
