from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
