I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
