So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
