I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
