just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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