I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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