remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
