On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
