The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
