Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
this must be what syphilis tastes like
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
