mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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