dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
