How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
