Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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