please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
