yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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