I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
