The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
