seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize