Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
