I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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