Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
