im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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