happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
