I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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