i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
