i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
