6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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