I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
