I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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