Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
