So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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