Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize