NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
