i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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