I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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