Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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