Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
