trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
