There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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